i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize