And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
