I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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