come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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