who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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