Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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