Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
