at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
