i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
