What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
