If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
