The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
