I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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