Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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