Kiss
Puke
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
