She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
