you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
