May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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