i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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