Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize