Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
