What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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