Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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