Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
