Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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