Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
