I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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