I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
