you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Randomize
