and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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