So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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