Only a mothe r could love this liver
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
