P.S. I can't hear my feet
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize