Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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