My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize