Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
