Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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