my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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