I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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