3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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