Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
