Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
she told me i tasted like america
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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