I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
