Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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