I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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