My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Farmville is her only friend.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
