it's not cheating when I paid for it
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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