Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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