I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
there is glitter all over my balls
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
