literally had 100 drinks last night.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
