you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
