my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
