You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
