Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize