I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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