get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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