He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
