I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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