I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
