i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
