Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
