God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
